For This Child, I Prayed.
Today is a big day for us, Chunker. You are four months old today! I look at you play and laugh and smile and think of a time when I thought none of that would be possible. A time not so long ago when I was told that the miracle of life was far from my reach and that your daddy and I would have to work tirelessly to be able to have you. A time when I cried myself to sleep and couldn’t bare the sound of a baby’s cry because I wasn’t sure I would ever have a child of my own. So I sit and I watch in awe of you and all that you do. I watch you do all of the things I wasn’t sure I would ever see. I hold you and feel all the things I didn’t know if I would ever get to feel. I sit and I watch and I’m thankful.
Not only are you four months old today, but a year ago to the day, I found out that the miracle that is you was growing inside my tummy. I will never forget that day as long as I live. It was a Sunday, so your daddy had to work. When I woke up, I knew that I was going to take a pregnancy test. I had been planning it for some time, but had put it off until I could be alone to take it because I didn’t want your dad and I to both be staring at another negative test. So, I peed and I waited, knowing that it would more than likely be negative and I could go cry about it in peace since no one else was home. After two minutes, I went and checked, and this time, it was positive. I began shaking and crying and didn’t know what to do. I began shouting, “Dear God, don’t be screwing with me now!” I held that test and cried and cried and smiled bigger than I had ever smiled before.
I knew one positive wasn’t good enough, so I went to the store and bought more. After three positives, I was convinced it was time to tell Daddy. I had always thought I would do this in some really cute way, but when it came time, I just couldn’t. I was in such shock and so scared I could have three false positives in my hand that I froze. I drove for twenty minutes and simply I handed him a box full of tests with a casual “Well, this happened” while trying keep my composure and pretend that nothing was up. He reached in the box and was in as much shock as I was. Luckily, since Daddy has connections, we had a blood test that day and found out we really were having a baby! We were absolutely overjoyed! We were going to get to have the baby we had hoped for!
I cannot tell you how many nights I laid in bed asking for a miracle. Asking whoever was listening to please let me be the mommy I had always wanted to be.Your daddy told me it would happen in time, but I just wasn’t sure, so I laid in bed and I prayed and I begged and I pleaded. Against all odds, we were given you, my perfect little boy. Today, you are four months old. That is four months of giggles and cries and kisses. Four months of moments I wasn’t sure I would ever get to have. One year ago today, my heart swelled with joy and it only grows more and more as I get to know you every single day. Thank you, sweet boy, for letting me be your mommy. Thank you for four months of amazing experiences. We have a whole lifetime to go.